In an enlightening conversation with author Emily Maroutian, we delve into the pervasive issue of self-image struggles among women in today’s digital age. Maroutian addresses the unrealistic standards set by social media, the detrimental effects of comparison, and offers profound insights on how to embrace one’s uniqueness.
Through a discussion on the power of reframing our perspective towards ourselves and our bodies, Maroutian provides valuable tools for fostering self-acceptance and redefining beauty standards.
Join us as we explore these critical themes and discover how to reclaim our self-esteem in a world dominated by filtered perfection.
What is a common issue women struggle with in this age of social media?
Many of us struggle with our self-image and not feeling attractive enough. We’re inundated with doctored images of perfection every time we go online and that affects our self-image. They’re completely unrealistic standards of beauty and we know that, but it still affects us. As soon as we look in the mirror, our minds begin—I’m too fat. I’m not pretty enough. I don’t like my nose. I wish I had bigger lips. I hate my big belly. We bombard ourselves with harsh judgments and criticism about our facial features or our bodily characteristics.
The dynamic structures of our bodies are unique to us, but since they don’t look the same as other people’s, we believe that is the problem. So our solution is to try to reconfigure ourselves to match other people’s appearances. We think fixing our flaws means looking more like others. But those other people feel flawed too and are trying to look like a different set of people and so on. Who are we all trying to look like? Who set that standard?
You nailed it. So what is the true problem then?
The fact that we don’t look like other people is not actually a problem; it’s something that arises from a mental judgment. So, when we believe that the answer is to distort ourselves to look like others, we create a real problem. We don’t love or accept ourselves and we wish we were someone else. We can never achieve the goal of being other people and so we create a multitude of inner conflicts. We battle ourselves for our worth, but we’re the ones who decided we don’t have it in the first place. The answer is not to bombard ourselves with harsh words and treatment for not being like others; the real solution is to stop participating in our own inferiority by following these accounts and to interrupt the negative reinforcement cycle of comparing ourselves to others. We have to replace it with a healthier self-assessment.
How do we do that?
First and foremost, click unfollow. Stop putting energy and attention into other people’s beauty standards. When you do come across those doctored photos, remind yourself that even those women don’t look like that in real life. Also, you don’t really want to look like them. You don’t want their face or body,you want their confidence and self-esteem. You want their state of mind and emotions. You want to radiate confidence and feel good about yourself, you just think the path there is through her body. You want what you think comes with that kind of appearance. But you can get those feelings without that specific appearance.
How?
While it can be a process that requires practice, reframing can help you create internal shifts in the moment. It’s a highly effective mental tool that will help you feel better about yourself as soon as you use it. Also, if you can practice it repeatedly, then you can break free from the pattern of self-criticism for good.
What is a reframe?
A reframe is another way to look at something. It offers you a different perspective on something. Normally, this tool is used for characteristics or personality traits. For example, a “bossy” little girl is really just a determined little girl who loves to lead; she might require a little bit of guidance to do that more appropriately, but she’s not flawed. Someone who is “impulsive” is really just spontaneous. Someone who is “silly” really justwants to make others laugh. Reframes are used to find a positive spin on a negative judgment. If you can use it regularly, it’ll help shift your self-perception overall. That’s mostly for personality characteristics.
That sounds helpful. I might use that myself.
But when it comes to our physical body and looks, a reframe works differently. Instead of flipping a trait to a positive, think of this reframe as swapping out your current standard for another. You can think of it as an actual frame on a picture. A frame holds the picture within its center, but it also tells you what to expect from the picture. If a frame has the words love, kindness, or joy around it, then you expect a positive picture within its barriers. However, if it has the words ugly, short, or fat, then it will spark negative feelings within you every time you look at it. The frame sets up your emotions.
Imagine you’ve bought an exquisite picture frame with the words beautiful and gorgeous around it. However, instead of putting a picture of yourself, you’ve placed a picture of a celebrity in it. So now every time you look at this picture you are reminded of what beauty means. She is the standard. How are you going to feel when you catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror? Most likely, you will compare yourself to her standard and not feel good enough.
I would feel terrible about myself.
Of course, because when you look in the mirror you will want to see her, not you. And when you don’t see her, you begin to hate what you do see. Suddenly, you are aware of all your “flaws”. But are they flaws or are they just different physical characteristics? Every single self-judgment exists because of a comparison to someone else.
Let me take that in for a moment. Every judgment exists because it’s a comparison to someone else.
You’re “too picky” compared to the people who you judge as easy-going. You’re “not smart enough” compared to people who are “smarter” than you. Your nose is “too big” compared to someone else’s smaller nose. When you think negatively of yourself, you’re usually comparing yourself to someone else. You’re using someone else as the standard for yourself. They are the picture within your frame. You have centered them as the standard in your life. This is something I discussed in depth in my book, Your Empowered Self. There are multiple exercises in there to help with reframes and mental shifts. If anyone is interested in doing the inner work, they can find a lot of exercises and activities in that book.
Great! So we’ve chosen someone else as the standard for our beauty and that’s why we feel negatively about ourselves?
Yes. Most of the time, we don’t question our thoughts or judgments about ourselves. In fact, we assume that if we think it, then it’s an accurate assessment. When we declare ourselves as ugly, short, or fat, we believe our assessment because the evidence appears true. It’s right before our eyes. However, our eyes are more used to seeing others than they are used to seeing ourselves. You look at others all day, every day. They have become your normal standard for beauty.
This is problematic because other people aren’t you. They don’t set the standards for how you should look or feel in your own body. As you want one person’s nose, or another person’s eyes, you declare your own nose and eyes to be wrong. When you desire other people’s features, you end up wanting to become 17 different people in one body. Then, when you look at yourself in the mirror, all you see is what seems wrong.
How do we change that?
The process of shifting self-deprecating thoughts requires a little bit of inquiry. When you say, “I’m ugly,” who are you comparing yourself to? Who are you thinking of when you make that declaration of yourself? A model? An actress? Perhaps someone you know personally? Who pops into your mind?
You are so much more than any one characteristic or perceived flaw. When you shrink yourself down to a physical feature you don’t like, you do yourself a disservice. You negate all of the other aspects of yourself that make you uniquely you. So maybe you weigh more than some, but you also weigh less than others. Maybe you have fewer curves than some, but you have more than others. None of this takes away your value as a human being. Your distinct characteristics are yours and they don’t have to look like anyone else’s because there’s nothing wrong with them. You are not wrong for being different. Different isn’t ugly.
That’s a powerful message. Different isn’t ugly. What if you want to be desirable for a partner?
I get it. We want to feel attractive and desirable to our partners. As a heterosexual person, how many men do you know personally that are physically perfect? Do you even expect them to be? You accept them with their dad bods, beer bellies, bald heads, and hair all over their bodies, and yet you expect yourself to look like a perfect model and doll in order to keep them. You’re not allowed to have a wrinkle or hair out of place. But the thing is that you can’t distort yourself enough to keep a man who doesn’t want to stay. The most beautiful women in the world have been cheated on. Just look at the list of celebrity women who have been publicly betrayed. They’re as close to “perfect” as anyone can get. They didn’t get cheated on because they were ugly; they got cheated on because those men were cheaters.
And also, do you want the kind of love that only stays because your lips are plump? Is that the kind of love you value? The kind that only wants you because you have perfect breasts?Is that all you’re worth? You’re perfectly okay with your partner not looking like a male model. Why aren’t you okay with yourself not looking like a female model?
That’s something to think about.
When you choose yourself as the standard of beauty in your life, you automatically reframe your perceived flaws. Flaws only exist through comparison to someone else. If they set the standard, then you’re flawed. If you set the standard, then you’rebeautiful no matter what anyone else is.
That’s not to say you shouldn’t take care of yourself or want to look good. Looking good makes you feel good about yourself and can raise your confidence. But there is such a thing as too much. I think today’s culture tries to cover up core wounds of insecurity and unworthiness with plastic surgeries and procedures. And it’s never enough. That’s the thing. It’s ongoing because the problem is deep within, it’s nothing on the surface. It’s not the kind of wound that can be fixed with surgery. That’s the problem. It’s not that you want to look attractive, it’s that no matter what you do you’re not attractive enough. There’s always more to fix, to change, to alter. You’re never enough.
Thank you, Emily. Are there any other messages you would like our readers to know before we end the interview?
Yes. It’s time for each individual woman to frame herself as the center of her own beauty standards. Whenever the patterns of harmful self-judgments arise in your mind, apply a bit of self-inquiry first. Who are you comparing yourself to? Remember, you are not them. You don’t have to be them to be considered beautiful. You can be beautiful as yourself. Most importantly, you don’t have to be them to be happy, whole, or complete either. What belongs to you is not wrong, ugly, or defective. This is your body and your life. It doesn’t need to look like anyone else to be beautiful. You get to decide what is beautiful. Choose yourself.
Emily Maroutian’s work can be found on her website: www.maroutian.com or on Instagram:http://www.instagram.com/emaroutian
Life Lovers Magazine® 
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